Last night, enjoyed myself walking down the memory lane at Trinity Theological College, looking at the beautiful cross i fixed my eyes upon. This time, i came back with much difference. Every night i go back, i would keep looking at the cross while climbing the stairs up. I would talk to God..."i miss you so much, God. Why don't You take me Home to be by your side?" I don't know if anyone would totally understand how i felt. It was such a lonely moment then, and yet, bittersweet because God is with you all the time. It's sad for me because i know His total presence is not on this earth and that longing for a real Home to be Him who loves you so much.
Last night, i went back again and once again, the memories of 9months at TTC flooded back. I guess that season was over. The scene at TTC reminded me of what i have spoken to God about when I met Him up for our special day on 1st January 2009. Yes. An act of honoring Him first before anything else, to give Him the first fruits above all else.
This morning, i woke up at 10am (i woke in noons on Mondays and Thursdays) and went for a jog. I came back praying and spending time with my Love One, remembering Him and also moments in TTC.
"Dearest Father in Heaven, You are my dearest. I miss you everyday and NONE can replace You. I know whenever I miss Home, I simply miss being with You in the totality of Your presence. My Home does not dwell on earth with people who does not love me as much as You do. I want to thank You for blessing me so much, and everything, every aspect of my life. I am well favored by You, and Your favor and blessing followed me wherever I go. I do not deserve it but You simply gave unconditionally. You have also made it so different for me when I returned last night, with warmth in my hand, no longer in solitude and tears but with love that i don't really deserve. Help me to honor You with my first fruits, and to serve You wherever You have called me to. Help me to desire You more and more, not a deer panting for the rivers. I don't want to stop. I love You, my Father in Heaven."
-In Jesus Name, Amen
Holy Discontentment
I couldn't count the number of times I have spent time with God and ended off crying because of the state of luke-warmness we are at. No matter how many times I asked for forgiveness and plead for mercy, this message comes back everytime. We have totally missed the reality and the totality of the world.
We are not desperate enough for the coming of Jesus because we have known how perverse, how wicked, how broken the souls are. We have been blinded by self-centeredness, by materialism, by cosy church fellowship, by weekly Sunday service and by our so-call service to the Lord. I know i sound extreme but why is the Holy Spirit prompting me all these times about it? I have 'seen' (through praying) brokeness within people, poor, oppressed, needy, unjustice, wickedness.
Because of my ISTM (Instant Short-term Memory) I wrote down almost every impression and reflection i have: (here goes; I am sharing what the Lord impressed upon my heart. It's the same everytime and i end up being burdened.)
"We have become more and more irrelevant to the Spiritual battle we are supposed to be in. I felt that the church has taken a back-seat in terms of making a real difference in the world. How Lord?"
~03/04/09; After CS music Songwriting showcase
"The world broken and we are fallen.
Hearts desperate for hope
Dejected and rejected
Families fallen apart.
Children are hungry
Many wrecked with perversion
Total insanity
Let's wake up
to the hope we can claimed
To live like what He has called us to be,
to reach to the broken like we ought to be
Jesus, we are desperate for you.
Do you hear the cries of this broken world?
Jesus we are desperate for you.
Empower us to reach for you."
~ 05/04/2009; before sleep
"Cease to do evil, learn to do good;
Seek justice, rebuke the oppressor
Defend the fatherless
plead for the widow." -Isaiah 1:17
~12/04/2009; before sleep
"Sorry Lord. We have not been desperate enough for You.
We lived in comfort and satisfaction. Where is the holy
discontentment we should strive?
To cry for injustice, to weep with the oppressed, widowed and suffering?
We have not been desperate enough for You.
To truly believe that You can make a difference
With Your touch, even bones can revived.
Come to us as we draw near
Open our eyes to see what You see
and ears to hear what You hear
Break us Lord and helps us reach for You."
~14/03/2009; Prayer day in office
Seriously. I don't know what to do with all these messages. The Lord hasn't said anything on what I can do with them. I get them all the time. (Same type of messages)
Updates on what I am doing:
To break the bondages of the marketplace (arts, media and entertainment) and redeem it for Christ's sake is what the business Jon and I are praying is all about. So, pray along with us as we fine-tune it. Jon, let's continue to press on for His glory. =)
Serving Him only,
Dawn ang
~ Inadequency is necessary
Inadequency is neccessary. This is a week of many reminders of how unfitting and inadequent myself can be and I embrace it with much thought and reflection. I wouldn't mind being looked upon as one or to be treated as one as to further push me to say to myself "I would continue trying to be qualified for what I am purposed to do."
As I was reflecting upon leadership, (as I am currently reading Good to Great by Jim Collins) humility and will is the top level 5 leadership. It is not someone of dynamic, talent and charisma (celebrity leaders) but humility and will~to put the cause/mission/vision above the personal ego and drives it regardlessly to achieve greatness in his/her company. It's the simplicity within the complexity. I haven't fully digest it but savoring it slowly.
It boils down to my point that inadequency is neccessary. In this week, it has caused alittle irritation and it bruises my pride/ego to realise how inadequent I am and that many am agreeing to it. But, i am still driving the cause no matter what to the best that I could grow, know and drive it, with clear conscience that I have to answer to the One who has purposed me to do so. Throughout, i am praying for the One to help me embrace it with meekness and gentleness.
I have been praying about other things too. There are many on-going stuff I am engaged in and quite excited about it.