Just 14 and she's slept with 25 men ~The Sunday Times – 04 April 2004
JUST 14, Zoe (not her real name) is hungry for love and has been looking for it in all the wrong places.
Over the past year alone, she has slept with more than 25 guys.
The Secondary 2 schoolgirl sneaks them into her room in the four-room Housing Board flat she shares with her hawker grandparents, who sleep in the next room. She has a sailor father whom she hardly knows and hardly sees. Her mother, a salesgirl, lives with a boyfriend elsewhere.
Last year, Zoe slit her wrists and became one of 167 youngsters placed under the Beyond Parental Control programme run by the Ministry of Community Development and Sports. Her mother said she was unable to discipline her.
Beneath her tough-talking exterior, however, Zoe dreams of being rescued from it all by a knight in shining armour.
'My dad used to beat my mother up. The few times a year he came home, they would quarrel. When he tried to turn over a new leaf, we found out my mother had a boyfriend. I couldn't accept it and we've stopped talking.
I'm also angry with her for turning me over to the courts and filing a Beyond Parental Control complaint against me. As my friends say, which mother would want her child to have a record? I feel abandoned.
Over the years, I've become very rebellious to seek attention. I smoke, drink, talk back and use vulgar words. Once, I even beat my mother up when she refused to let me use the computer. There were blue-black marks on her arm.
What do I really want? Just someone to love me. I'm often sad and need someone to console me.
Last year, I started going on the Internet Relay Chat when I felt lonely at night. I met an 18-year-old guy online. We met for a movie and the next day, I lost my virginity. I invited him home when no one was around. At first, I didn't want to but it was quite fun and the pleasure made my pain go away for a while.
But afterwards, I felt guilty, dirty and cheap. Especially when he told me he had a girlfriend. After that, I couldn't be bothered any more. What is done is done. I cannot turn back the clock. I decided not to live in a fairytale, to enjoy flings and be less devoted. In the past year alone, I've done it with about 25 other guys.
For a time, I used to bring home different guys almost every night. I would call them up, ask them to come over after my grandparents went to bed and sneak them into my room. Sometimes, they would take me to their house, budget hotels, carparks or staircases.
My longest relationship so far has lasted seven months, the shortest three days. The guys were mostly students or NSmen. Only a few used condoms - only because I asked them to after reading about sexually-transmitted diseases. I know I'm fortunate not to be pregnant yet.
The desperate ones give me $50 or so. It's an easy way to make money. I'm a big spender. My mother doesn't earn a lot and cannot afford to give me more than $5 a day.
The sad thing is a lot of guys never called me back after I slept with them. Maybe it's because I'm not pretty. I fall in love very fast even though most guys treat me as a sex toy. I guess guys go for sex and girls go for love.
I'm now addicted to sex, even though I've tried to stop. Once, I met a good catch from Raffles Institution who really loved me. But after I introduced him to heavy petting, he felt guilty and broke up with me after 12 days. It took me forever to forget him.
Yes, I do have friends but I've never dared to tell them about this. I'm scared they will be shocked to death and will leave me. I don't think others my age have sex. They talk only. I try to be in their world since they can't be in mine.
The world I live in is way too realistic. It's all about money. I can't wait to grow up and earn my own. To tell you the truth, I'm quite pressured about my school work. I don't want to be retained. I just want to go to polytechnic and start my own business.
But my grades have become worse over the years. I wake up late, play truant and don't hand in homework. I use my family problems as an excuse. Even though I'm quite intelligent and absorb things very fast, I managed to pass only one subject out of eight last year.
What put me off is being yelled at in front of others. I can be very emotional and rash. Once, when my Maths teacher threw a book at me, I grabbed a penknife and some Panadol and ran to the toilet.
I swallowed at least eight pills. The rest of the day was a blur. I didn't even feel anything when I pinched myself hard.
Last July, I tried to commit suicide at the Esplanade area. It was the first time I drank a whole bottle of e33, an alcohol pop drink. I became drunk and started to think about my sad life, my parents' quarrels, the guys who left me.
I smashed the glass bottle and cut both my wrists with it. Blood dripped all over but I felt no pain.
My friends stopped me, called the ambulance and I was rushed to hospital. Because I am underaged, they called the police, my school and my mother, who came to bail me out.
Since then, I've been going for counselling with my mother once a week at a family service centre. She is also suicidal and has tried to jump before.
To be honest, I've always felt insecure with her. I feel I don't know anything about her, her past, her relationship with my father, her struggles. Somehow, there is a wall between us.
I don't really have anyone who cares for me in this whole world. That's why I'm looking for my true love.
One thing I worry about is how I will tell my future husband next time about all the naughty things I've done with my body.
But if he really loves me, he won't mind. Will he?'
-----------------------------Your heart bleed too?---------------------------------
THE WORLD IS BROKEN~THAT IS REALITY. THE BIBLE SAID THAT WE ARE LIVING IN BROKENESS, IN PAIN AND IN OUR WRONG-DOING. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY. THE TRUTH IS JESUS CAME TO SAVE YOU AND I FROM YOUR HURTS AND PAIN.
CHECK MORE OUT: http://www.mytruefriend.org/